crisbabii

I won’t ever stop loving you.
And even if you become my perfect person at some point….
I love you
But I can never
Be with you.

When you think i

I hate you
I laugh.
You have no idea how absolutely
I miss you.
How all I want sometimes
Is to hold you.
Kiss you.
Make love to you.

But I can’t.
You’re not mine anymore,
And I am not
yours.

Next 420

We’re making medicated lemonade and cookies. Getting a hotel room. Chelast, Edward and I.

I had

Posted a quote in December from 4 years ago
“All great changes are preceeded by chaos”
Little did I know just 6 short weeks later
I would lose someone who I thought was the love of my life
To a “friend”
I would lose more than half of my “friends”
And I would have to deal with an overwhelming amount of lies and deceit.
It happened so my spirit could not just break,
But be reborn.
Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes.
I am reborn.

You’re the only one

I ever took home
really home
To meet my parents.
My family.
I made you apart of my soul.
You don’t understand
When I say my love is different than yours
I never give
The same love twice.

I know I was different than the rest
Even though you try and act like
I’m just like them.
I’ll love you forever.

But you arent good for me.
and the one I love fully
Will have never hurt me even close to what you did.

I really

Thought we could make it through anything.
I still replay memories and arguments
And the one thing it always comes back to
Was that YOU stopped choosing
ME
Long before I ever did with you.

At The End Of The Day

You have to live with yourself
And your decisions.
I do not.

I did the best I could.
the universe was trying to help you
We all were.
We all wanted to believe you were
Better
But you had other plans.

Now you have no good friends
No money
nothing.

But the weight of your inequities on your pillow every morning.
Let me ask you,
Does his heart beat the same when I had it?
Because I’m sure it doesn’t.
You have to live with yourself.
Manipulation, misery, toxicity.

I do not.
I love others. Fully. Freely.
I’m used to this.
You however
You had a taste
Of what a tribe of women felt like
Of what it meant to have supportive friends
And you threw it all away for what?
Him?
Honey, he don’t even care about you.

That’s why he left ME.
The best thing to ever love him.
Don’t you get it?
He’s incapable of love
Just
Like
You.

He said

You look very 80s today.
I said
Isn’t that everyday?
And he said
No sometimes you’re punk
And sometimes you’re white girl
And I just thought it was funny that he commented on my shirt, my pants and my new boots
Because that was the last he was going to see me for a very
Long
time.

So yes,
Take a good look.

She said

Those are the hardest years to have a relationship, because you grow so much. At least you had someone by your side while you grew up! Not everyone does. He was your training wheels. But now you’re good. You don’t need training wheels now. You don’t need him anymore.

At the end I went inside to grab anything else that might be mine. And I told Josh I blocked him on everything. He seemed quite surprised. Before I left though I looked at him and told him, I hope you realize I’ll love you forever. He said likewise. And I laughed. I said my love is a little different than your love. And He said, it’s not a contest. I said I know it’s not but my love is a little different than yours. I hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek. And he said I can still give you rides to and from work, I’m still here for you if you need. I looked briefly at him with tears in my eyes, and told him, I’ll manage. And I left. Closed the door.

Catching feels

“Is like drinking.
You say you’re never gonna drink again, but you know you’re gonna. ”
-wise words from my best friend

It’s weird

When I’m finally alone.
All day I cannot stop thinking
I cannot stop speaking
And yet once I’m alone
Silence.
The lonliness hits.
But it’s almost
A comfort.
I’m alone.
But that doesn’t mean I have to be so lonely.